Hi everyone! I hope you’ve been keeping well and you’re enjoying the glorious sunshine we’re being treated to. My Monthly Mantras for August are a little bit late, it’s been a busy few weeks here. River is now rolling over 360, (eyes in the back of my head) and our days are pretty jam-packed with stuff! He’s such an inquisitive baby and I reminded myself that he is seeing everything fresh, for the very first time, feeling, experiencing, touching, understanding. No wonder he’s pooped by the end of the! Me too!
I’ve been thinking lots recently about how certain experiences in our lives, whether we consciously remember them or not, can shape the way we respond to things as adults. I lost my Dad when I was a toddler; old enough to know that something was different, but not aware enough to understand it completely or indeed have any comprehension of the impact that this would have on my life moving forward.
I always knew as a child that my Dad had passed away and moving through adolescence and adulthood, at times I felt angry, bereft, sad, depressed and anxious. I didn’t know that as small children, we try to find reason in random acts of trauma in an attempt to quantify and claw-back an element of control – however, there is no way to measure grief and it’s not linear.
As I’ve come to deeply understand over the past 2 years, mourning is a process and it takes time. There is no short-cut. Fuck! It hurts and it requires abundant patience and love. I’ve also come to deeply understand that by moving through the darkness and pain of losing a loved one, we can, one day at a time, transform this sadness into hope and joy.
Having a baby has actually stirred a great deal of emotion within me about the death of my Dad. I’ve been fuming with the world that River won’t get to meet his Grandfather, that he won’t see his first steps or his first day at school. I’ve cried for my loss, how the little girl in me misses her Dad, how I miss my Dad. I also feel deep joy every day to see River with his Daddy. It fills every part of me to see this relationship evolve, it’s really beautiful.
I wanted to get these words on paper for anyone who might need to read them. It’s also hugely cathartic for me to express my feelings in this way. Emotions can seem a bit jumbled when they’re in your head. Once the hand has woven its magic and created beauty out of these feelings they somehow become lighter. I want to say that it’s ok to feel sad, it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to take a step backwards. Sometimes, when we move away from our feelings, we can see the light shining around the edges.
So, with all of this in mind, here are my monthly Mantras for August:
• I am allowed to feel sad and angry.
• There will be good days and not so good days.
• I am on a healing journey and it may take time.
• The person I’ve lost would be so happy if I live a life full of happiness and good health.
• Transforming my sadness into the happiness is the greatest and bravest way to remember the love.
I hope my words have helped.
All my love and encouragement,